MY YELLOWWOOD TREE

The baby died. Inside of me, my baby died.

Three weeks ago at more or less 14h00 I was still pregnant. Hopeful, in spite of the splash of blood earlier that morning.

" It's nothing . It could be nothing " .......I kept on telling myself.

At 14h15 : " I can't see a heartbeat. I'm sorry. The fetus stopped growing at 6 1/2 weeks. "

BUT I'M ALREADY 11 WEEKS PREGNANT. 11 Weeks during which time I'd imagined ny baby growing limbs, stretching out inside of me, a heart beating steadily towards a new future...........

Irrational thoughts take over.

My body is failing me. I'm just too old for another baby. I should be grateful for the one I've got. My weight let this baby die....

Was it the fight we had ? Too much adrenalin rushing through my body? Oh, Dear God, how can I change another person ? There is no way. He is what he is.He made me angry.He was just so unreasonable that day.I cannot hold all those feelings inside......

God failed me ? Did He?

"You can try again."

Yes, I know that. But THIS baby is gone. THIS baby is the one I will never know. WHY do people keep on saying that ? "Try again"........

We've planted a yellowwood tree in the garden.

For my baby.

It will outlive both of us.

It will grow strong and I will nurture it and watch it grow each and every day.

But faith......and praying.........and keeping hope alive.......

I'm just so scared........

What if this was my last time? Last chance? I'm 41 . What if my body is saying : " Enough " ?

I just don't know.

Today, I just don't know........