MY YELLOWWOOD TREE

The baby died. Inside of me, my baby died.

Three weeks ago at more or less 14h00 I was still pregnant. Hopeful, in spite of the splash of blood earlier that morning.

" It's nothing . It could be nothing " .......I kept on telling myself.

At 14h15 : " I can't see a heartbeat. I'm sorry. The fetus stopped growing at 6 1/2 weeks. "

BUT I'M ALREADY 11 WEEKS PREGNANT. 11 Weeks during which time I'd imagined ny baby growing limbs, stretching out inside of me, a heart beating steadily towards a new future...........

Irrational thoughts take over.

My body is failing me. I'm just too old for another baby. I should be grateful for the one I've got. My weight let this baby die....

Was it the fight we had ? Too much adrenalin rushing through my body? Oh, Dear God, how can I change another person ? There is no way. He is what he is.He made me angry.He was just so unreasonable that day.I cannot hold all those feelings inside......

God failed me ? Did He?

"You can try again."

Yes, I know that. But THIS baby is gone. THIS baby is the one I will never know. WHY do people keep on saying that ? "Try again"........

We've planted a yellowwood tree in the garden.

For my baby.

It will outlive both of us.

It will grow strong and I will nurture it and watch it grow each and every day.

But faith......and praying.........and keeping hope alive.......

I'm just so scared........

What if this was my last time? Last chance? I'm 41 . What if my body is saying : " Enough " ?

I just don't know.

Today, I just don't know........

MORNING,GOD, IT'S ME AGAIN....

We grew up with the NG KERK ( Dutch Reformed Church ) in our blood. It was as natural to us as braaivleis and boerewors on a Sunday.

Mom played the organ and us four girls sat on the bench next to her. " My orrelpypies" she used to call us....

Sunday school, Confirmation, a bedtime prayer : as part of our lives as shopping at Checkers for groceries and for clothes at good old Edgars ( oh,boy, did we love Edgars ! ). As usual as breakfast at the Wimpy and buying Lucky Packets ( remember those ? ) at the local kafee.

God was good,then. It was easy to believe in goodness. Isn't it easy when parents provide all you could ever need and school, friends and the things kids do keep you convinced of the goodness of all things ?

I look at my two year old son and he has NO FEAR . OF ANYTHING. He seems to have been born with a sureness that I have lost......

" Please God, keep Mom healthy .." ( " I'm so sorry but Mom has died. This afternoon I found her on the bed. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry .... " )

"Please God,keep my baby growing safely inside of me ..." (" I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat...." )

" Please God, WHERE are you ? Are You there? " ( Silence.......)


What do you believe? Because my believing is not coming as easily as it used to....


" Dear God, it's me. Kooky. WHERE ARE YOU ??? "