The baby died. Inside of me, my baby died.
Three weeks ago at more or less 14h00 I was still pregnant. Hopeful, in spite of the splash of blood earlier that morning.
" It's nothing . It could be nothing " .......I kept on telling myself.
At 14h15 : " I can't see a heartbeat. I'm sorry. The fetus stopped growing at 6 1/2 weeks. "
BUT I'M ALREADY 11 WEEKS PREGNANT. 11 Weeks during which time I'd imagined ny baby growing limbs, stretching out inside of me, a heart beating steadily towards a new future...........
Irrational thoughts take over.
My body is failing me. I'm just too old for another baby. I should be grateful for the one I've got. My weight let this baby die....
Was it the fight we had ? Too much adrenalin rushing through my body? Oh, Dear God, how can I change another person ? There is no way. He is what he is.He made me angry.He was just so unreasonable that day.I cannot hold all those feelings inside......
God failed me ? Did He?
"You can try again."
Yes, I know that. But THIS baby is gone. THIS baby is the one I will never know. WHY do people keep on saying that ? "Try again"........
We've planted a yellowwood tree in the garden.
For my baby.
It will outlive both of us.
It will grow strong and I will nurture it and watch it grow each and every day.
But faith......and praying.........and keeping hope alive.......
I'm just so scared........
What if this was my last time? Last chance? I'm 41 . What if my body is saying : " Enough " ?
I just don't know.
Today, I just don't know........
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Hello, i came over to visit from Shayne and I stepped right into your sadness. My heart aches for you. Can i leave a hug from a stranger.
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading my story and for the hug!
ReplyDeletethinking of you Kooky
ReplyDeletepeople who dismiss your loss with a flippant "you can try again" need a fat klap :)
your child died. That is huge. I hope you will be blessed with another, but that takes nothing away from this one.
Hi kooky - I also followed your link from Shane's blog.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you. I also lost a baby when my eldest son was about 18 months. I tried to focus on him during that time and thanked and gorified the Lord because He gave me the one boy. I knew that what happened was His will. Our God is so amazing - he blessed me with another healthy pregnancy and another beautiful boy only a couple of months later. My sons are now 14 and almost 12.
Focus on the good things and the bad things will have to start to fade. Remember - if you accept the death of your unborn baby - it doesn't mean that you love him / her any less.
Hugs
Michelle
Some very wise words here. I am glad you have started to blog...and I hope that here you will get the support and love that you now need.
ReplyDeleteHugs