NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH...

So I took my anti-depressant filled body off to the gynae yesterday for the "four weeks after D&C " check up.

I immediately went into "rabbit caught in headlights" mode, but then took a few deep breaths and decided I have the right to be where I am right now. This is MY life, MY emotions and MY mess so I will sort it out and spill my guts if and when needed.

He claimed the miscarriage "material" that was analized to have "failed to grow" as being age related. Fair enough.
We then spoke about my recurrent depression ( which he says I will need permanent treatment for ) , our marital hassles and the decision to have another child.

His advice was to "sort out your head first" which I suppose is good advice. We all know that pregnancy and a newborn takes a lot out of you mentally and physically.

"BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME ", I kept on saying.

"You do have time. You have at least three more reproductive years left. " ?????? ( I have recently done some "research" into this and have found so many "older mothers" up to the age of 44 with healthy babies ! )

So for now the plans are :

1. Stay on medication for depression for three months and then do a review of the situation.

2. See a therapist to deal with marital and other issues ( living on a farm in the sticks makes this one VERY difficult and VERY expensive )

3. Do not attempt to fall pregnant again for at least six months.....

"And hope does not
disappoint us, because
God has poured out His love
into our hearts by the Holy Spirit
whom he has given us "

Romans 5 : 5

ME,THE WALKING QUESTIONMARK?

Four weeks since the miscarriage.

I seem to be having meltdowns left,right and centre...

So much so that I took myself off to the doctor. In tears. Unable to stop crying.

And landed myself with a script for anti-depressants which I DID NOT WANT but realized I needed.

He suggested waiting before trying for another baby.

BUT I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME HERE.

What choice do I make then ? I have a child of nearly two to consider. Not to mention a husband that looks at life mainly in black and white." Reg of weg " is the Afrikaans expression....

I'm the musician, he's the farmer.
I'm emotional, he's practical.
Not the easiest of marriage choices I made.
But it was my choice. Now I'm trying my damndest to make it work.

This miscarriage seems to have caused a ripple effect of questioning every single decision I've ever made in my life. At times though, I can assure you, life seemed to decide FOR ME.

I got married late. ( 38 years of age )

I had my son almost immediately. ( at 39 )

I DON'T WANT HIM TO GROW UP ALONE. I want him to have a sibling.I have three sisters and they are my best friends. Without condition or prerequisites....


And I feel that God is silent. I cannot hear a single message or see a single sign as to what I should do next......

I'm a walking questionmark.

Maybe I should just wait....????