Four weeks since the miscarriage.
I seem to be having meltdowns left,right and centre...
So much so that I took myself off to the doctor. In tears. Unable to stop crying.
And landed myself with a script for anti-depressants which I DID NOT WANT but realized I needed.
He suggested waiting before trying for another baby.
BUT I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME HERE.
What choice do I make then ? I have a child of nearly two to consider. Not to mention a husband that looks at life mainly in black and white." Reg of weg " is the Afrikaans expression....
I'm the musician, he's the farmer.
I'm emotional, he's practical.
Not the easiest of marriage choices I made.
But it was my choice. Now I'm trying my damndest to make it work.
This miscarriage seems to have caused a ripple effect of questioning every single decision I've ever made in my life. At times though, I can assure you, life seemed to decide FOR ME.
I got married late. ( 38 years of age )
I had my son almost immediately. ( at 39 )
I DON'T WANT HIM TO GROW UP ALONE. I want him to have a sibling.I have three sisters and they are my best friends. Without condition or prerequisites....
And I feel that God is silent. I cannot hear a single message or see a single sign as to what I should do next......
I'm a walking questionmark.
Maybe I should just wait....????
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Oh skat.
ReplyDeleteWhat can i say to make it better?
I do think you need the meds tho and i'm glad you've got them.
I think you should wait. Don't rush into anything. You had a gorgeously healthy baby at 39. Surely another few years isn't going to make THAT much difference?
Come and visit me?
"God's silence is as much a sign of God's presence as of God's absence. That divine silence is not a vacuum to be filled, but a mystery to be entered into. Unarmed with words and undistracted by noise, a holy of holies, in which we too may be struck dumb by the power of the unsayable God." - Barbara Brown Taylor.
ReplyDeleteTake it one day at a time and it would be wise to take a break and let your body and heart heal.
Praying for you.
I just popped in from Shayne. I am so sorry to hear of your loss.
ReplyDeleteI have had 2 miscarriages and the pain can be excruciating. Good for you that you sought help and are writing about it.
There are times that things happen to us that seem so utterly wrong and senseless. This is where our faith has to ground us - we see the keyhole story; He sees the big picture.
xxx
Praying that healing will come for you. Both your body and your heart!
ReplyDeleteDon't berate yourself for feeling and for questioning. Just know that you are loved and that a lot of people are praying for you.
Reading your words this morning meant so much to me and really "warmed up" a very cold place in my heart! Thank you!
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