NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH...

So I took my anti-depressant filled body off to the gynae yesterday for the "four weeks after D&C " check up.

I immediately went into "rabbit caught in headlights" mode, but then took a few deep breaths and decided I have the right to be where I am right now. This is MY life, MY emotions and MY mess so I will sort it out and spill my guts if and when needed.

He claimed the miscarriage "material" that was analized to have "failed to grow" as being age related. Fair enough.
We then spoke about my recurrent depression ( which he says I will need permanent treatment for ) , our marital hassles and the decision to have another child.

His advice was to "sort out your head first" which I suppose is good advice. We all know that pregnancy and a newborn takes a lot out of you mentally and physically.

"BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME ", I kept on saying.

"You do have time. You have at least three more reproductive years left. " ?????? ( I have recently done some "research" into this and have found so many "older mothers" up to the age of 44 with healthy babies ! )

So for now the plans are :

1. Stay on medication for depression for three months and then do a review of the situation.

2. See a therapist to deal with marital and other issues ( living on a farm in the sticks makes this one VERY difficult and VERY expensive )

3. Do not attempt to fall pregnant again for at least six months.....

"And hope does not
disappoint us, because
God has poured out His love
into our hearts by the Holy Spirit
whom he has given us "

Romans 5 : 5

ME,THE WALKING QUESTIONMARK?

Four weeks since the miscarriage.

I seem to be having meltdowns left,right and centre...

So much so that I took myself off to the doctor. In tears. Unable to stop crying.

And landed myself with a script for anti-depressants which I DID NOT WANT but realized I needed.

He suggested waiting before trying for another baby.

BUT I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME HERE.

What choice do I make then ? I have a child of nearly two to consider. Not to mention a husband that looks at life mainly in black and white." Reg of weg " is the Afrikaans expression....

I'm the musician, he's the farmer.
I'm emotional, he's practical.
Not the easiest of marriage choices I made.
But it was my choice. Now I'm trying my damndest to make it work.

This miscarriage seems to have caused a ripple effect of questioning every single decision I've ever made in my life. At times though, I can assure you, life seemed to decide FOR ME.

I got married late. ( 38 years of age )

I had my son almost immediately. ( at 39 )

I DON'T WANT HIM TO GROW UP ALONE. I want him to have a sibling.I have three sisters and they are my best friends. Without condition or prerequisites....


And I feel that God is silent. I cannot hear a single message or see a single sign as to what I should do next......

I'm a walking questionmark.

Maybe I should just wait....????

MY YELLOWWOOD TREE

The baby died. Inside of me, my baby died.

Three weeks ago at more or less 14h00 I was still pregnant. Hopeful, in spite of the splash of blood earlier that morning.

" It's nothing . It could be nothing " .......I kept on telling myself.

At 14h15 : " I can't see a heartbeat. I'm sorry. The fetus stopped growing at 6 1/2 weeks. "

BUT I'M ALREADY 11 WEEKS PREGNANT. 11 Weeks during which time I'd imagined ny baby growing limbs, stretching out inside of me, a heart beating steadily towards a new future...........

Irrational thoughts take over.

My body is failing me. I'm just too old for another baby. I should be grateful for the one I've got. My weight let this baby die....

Was it the fight we had ? Too much adrenalin rushing through my body? Oh, Dear God, how can I change another person ? There is no way. He is what he is.He made me angry.He was just so unreasonable that day.I cannot hold all those feelings inside......

God failed me ? Did He?

"You can try again."

Yes, I know that. But THIS baby is gone. THIS baby is the one I will never know. WHY do people keep on saying that ? "Try again"........

We've planted a yellowwood tree in the garden.

For my baby.

It will outlive both of us.

It will grow strong and I will nurture it and watch it grow each and every day.

But faith......and praying.........and keeping hope alive.......

I'm just so scared........

What if this was my last time? Last chance? I'm 41 . What if my body is saying : " Enough " ?

I just don't know.

Today, I just don't know........

MORNING,GOD, IT'S ME AGAIN....

We grew up with the NG KERK ( Dutch Reformed Church ) in our blood. It was as natural to us as braaivleis and boerewors on a Sunday.

Mom played the organ and us four girls sat on the bench next to her. " My orrelpypies" she used to call us....

Sunday school, Confirmation, a bedtime prayer : as part of our lives as shopping at Checkers for groceries and for clothes at good old Edgars ( oh,boy, did we love Edgars ! ). As usual as breakfast at the Wimpy and buying Lucky Packets ( remember those ? ) at the local kafee.

God was good,then. It was easy to believe in goodness. Isn't it easy when parents provide all you could ever need and school, friends and the things kids do keep you convinced of the goodness of all things ?

I look at my two year old son and he has NO FEAR . OF ANYTHING. He seems to have been born with a sureness that I have lost......

" Please God, keep Mom healthy .." ( " I'm so sorry but Mom has died. This afternoon I found her on the bed. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry .... " )

"Please God,keep my baby growing safely inside of me ..." (" I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat...." )

" Please God, WHERE are you ? Are You there? " ( Silence.......)


What do you believe? Because my believing is not coming as easily as it used to....


" Dear God, it's me. Kooky. WHERE ARE YOU ??? "